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Friday, March 02, 2012

A Glimpse Of Life A Year Ago


I found these cleaning out a closet a while ago.  The site of them took my breath and I was taken back for a moment to how it felt to just be getting through each day, where meds and doctors and tests and unknowns were a way of life.  

I have found it very meaningful to look back and to see how far I have come.  How faithful God has been.  It keeps things in perspective and gives me a thankful heart, one that bursts.

This was a post I wrote about a year ago.  Diagnosis, 4 months of chemo, mastectomy & reconstruction, and 14 radiation treatments had taken their toll on my body and heart.  It was not a good day. But, I had the gift of a new one.  The gift of tomorrow, and many more tomorrows.  I am so grateful.

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Journal 2-2011

I have come far.  I have so much to be thankful for.  There are many ups and downs.  Today was a down, I write about it below... but I'll get back up there.
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{Halfway radiation point & "down" isn't my best look..but I do like my  new hat that looks old:)}

Journal

I was late for radiation today.
It was a hard morning...I just could not pull myself together in time.

My radiation therapist, Mr. Brad, was so kind, reassuring me that they can be flexible, and that it was ok.

I told him a bit of my hard morning, he listened and said he would pray. 
Then, I told him, with tears flooding,

"I am weary"

He looked straight into my brewing storm and without hesitation, said:

 "but the Lord isn't"

A nugget of truth that shot straight to my heart and immediately brought internal storm rest.  I exhaled and went on to face my day.

Oh Truth, sweet truth
From the written Word and the words of His people!
What would I do without Truth?

Truth has been harder to feel lately.
I KNOW truth, I SEE it, but it FEELS far away.  
Lots of "static" in the way.  
Busyness of thought that creates distance from grasping the feeling of truth.

I know I create some of that static, and I know that giving up a medication and adjusting to that give up creates static.  I also know some of it is just life right now.  

It. Just. Is.

This said static got the best of me this morning--it was oh, so loud--it comes and I kick and fit and shake my fists.  Eyes up, head down, at times-- in hands.  Tissue thrown in piles on floor.

I blurt my static...to Him.  To husband.  To my Carma friend.  

Words of "whys" and "no's" and fears and questions and closed hands and fed ups..my words.

"But Lord..."
"No Lord..."
"Enough Lord.."

Vivid dreams have turned from normal into nightmares.  Can I just have one day of my life before?  I don't want this unknown anymore.  I want concrete, expected, easy.  I want pretty, no scars.

Lord, do you see?

My Lottie-3 -year- old- Mae, the bravest fighter, her mother torn from baby sister to seek treatment far away.  Leukemia in a child is enough, Lord, enough.  But..bacteria infection and pneumonia, too?  Families who love and yearn, torn from each others presence? It seems too much..  

Lord, do you see?

The man after me, there for radiation therapy.  The only color in his face are blood shot eyes that are hollow, but still smile at me.

Lord?

My husband, who deals with enough by dealing with me. He is sitting at table, deep in thought, while shuffling the mounting bill piles, doing his best to make them all fit.

Lord.

The statistics they scare me, why can't I have a concrete answer?  Please?  Stage 3a or Stage 3b? Which one is it?  It matters to me.. 70% or 39%?  Why can't I let go of the numbers? Hands grasped, closed tight.  Digits grasping digits.

Oh Lord, and these women...  

These dear, strong, fighting women.


Women who have felt lumps, endured scans, had parts of themselves cut on and cut out, allowed chemical chemo to flow through veins and radiation to burn both good and bad cells, who felt razors and cold air on scalp, have to take pills that keep wombs empty and all the while are wives and some mothers and burden bearers for each other.  Oh Lord, these women! 

 Lord, do you see?

So. Much. Static.
The above is enough there is so much more.  Unnamed more.

Lord?...?

Then.. my Lord... 

My GOOD, good, God...

He whispers to me.

"Yes, Amy, I see."

"I know you are weary, but I am not."

I SEE.  I, too, wept. 
I KNOW.  I, too, have scars.

I can handle your cries to me, My child.
I'm so glad you've come to me... 
For I am the Way.  The Truth. The Light.

I will make sense of tragedy.
I will be your burden bearer.  
Hand over the load. I was meant to bear it, not you.

Endure, child.

You know on this earth there will be pain and trials.
It was not meant to be this way, but it is.  
I will fulfill my promise to make it all right again, in my time.

This is what it is in an imperfect, sin- infested world.  
This is why I sent my Son, for a way out of it all.

You've tasted the hand of bitterness, do not let hatred numb your sorrows.  
Do not clinch your hand closed tight.


The wise hand opens slowly, to lilies of the valley and tomorrow...to Me!

I gave you the words to this song in your heart.
I gave you these words years ago, knowing you would need them in these fist shaking moments.

"This is what it means to be held, how it feels..
When the sacred is torn from life and you survive
This is what it is, to be held, and to know that the promise was 
when everything fell, you'd be held."

I am holding you.
I have not promised a pain free world and life.  
But, I have promised that I AM Life, the Way, 
and I will be holding you every step.

These are God's whispers to me.

I listen.

I search Youtube and find that song.
I listen again.

The static volume lowers to just a whisper and I find truth--and I am held.
{Words To Natalie Grant's "Held"}
Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our Savior

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held



14 comments:

  1. WOW oh WOW...I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes and listening to my heart beating so loudly. Your words--your truth---your strength have hit me hard. I thank you so much.

    I don't know you but I have such a love and respect for you. You inspire and teach us to LOVE LIVE BREATHE and BELIEVE and for this I thank you.

    hugs
    -missy-

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  2. So very, very glad that those pills aren't your routine now.

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  3. Thank you for sharing. I know someone that is just beginning this journey. That Natalie Grant song always brings tears to my eyes.

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  4. Thank you. I needed to hear these words this morning.

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  5. This was just what I needed today. Thank you for sharing your testimony and your hope of a changed future! you write so beautifully, and your love for Him is so apparent!

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  6. The Lord is so good to use those around us and give us uplifting hope. Praised be His name that you endured that while He held you. I love what you said: We are weary, but the Lord is not. Thank you for that reminder! (hugs)

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  7. Simply Beautiful! I'm so happy for you and now you can look back and feel your blessings.May you continued to be blessed, Kim

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  8. I don't know you but after reading your beautiful words I have tears in my eyes. Thank for sharing your journey. We are weary but he is not. I really needed this reminder today. You are an inspiration.

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  9. So eloquently put. I felt so much of that 'static' this year as I went (and go) through my own cancer journey. Thanks for words that mirror my own heart. Heidi

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  10. I was not following you a year ago. This is breath-taking. What a wise radiation therapist! What a ministry he has.

    I praised God for where you are today.

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  11. Thank you for sharing this. My husband has been bravely battling Multiple Myeloma - an always fatal blood cancer - for over six years. As his caregiver, I am weary. I need to be reminded that God always sees, and that even when no one else asks how I am doing, God knows and He cares. (I don't mean to sound like this isn't difficult for my husband - it is - but I felt this was a message for me today.)

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  12. Incredible depth to the words you shared, only someone who has been there, can write and share what you wrote.
    It is hard, really hard and I pray for all who have to do this journey especially the little ones.
    God is always walking alongside but one does question why it doesn't just go away?
    In time it does go away.
    Your words are powerful reminders of the truth for some.

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  13. Amy, I am kind of speechless.. these are the most beautiful words I have ever read....Sending you much much love

    Robyn

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  14. This is a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing.

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Thank you so much for your lovely words to me! Due to the number of comments I receive, I cannot respond to all of them - but know that I read and love every word. If you have a question in need of a response, please e-mail sponsornewnostalgia@gmail.com and either Robyn or I will get back to you.