Lately, I have lost my grasp of center. So much of it has to do with how I am spending my time and what I am ingesting-- and I'm not speaking food here. No recipes in this post!
Does this make sense?
The mind is powerful, and what we choose to think on, listen to, and read has way more impact on us than what we might think. I've become a bit sloppy when it comes to what I was allowing into my thoughts, mind etc. Maybe lazy is the word? Don't get me wrong..a bit of mindless t.v. is a-ok by me, but when what I am reading, music I am listening to, and things that I am watching all have the same negative message, it does eventually affect me! I find my thoughts gradually become more cynical, I react to life instead of respond, and my sense of center, of peace, slowly dissipates.
Living an intentional life is what I so desire. In order to do this, I need to be grounded in truth, which means ingesting truth on a regular basis. This doesn't just mean ingesting the Word, but also His Words through other people, through music and through reading. It means seeking out what I want my brain to be filled with.
When I am not living life with intention, I feel weak and vulnerable. Storms of life come and I'm blown over pretty easily. That happened this last week. We are in the process of again, checking a lump that we have been watching. I had a scan that lit up a bit, but is borderline. I meet with my Oncologist on Thursday to discuss the "now what." It may be another biopsy or more scans or both.
I sure wish I could say that I respond well to these situations. You would think by now I would. This time I think my body just shut down and I took a 7 hour nap the day after the scan. It is amazing how emotions can affect the physical body, which makes being grounded and centered, at peace, even more important.
Another thing that has taken my peace is pride. God through husband revealed a couple areas that I need to be more intentional in. They have to do with money, and I immediately go into excuse mode for my actions. I am a very frugal person if compared to the average Joe, and I just want to hide behind that instead of admit I could have been more intentional with my spending this month. I also want to blame food prices and cost of holidays. I want to blame anything but me, but if I am truly honest with myself, I can do better and need to. This revelation came in the middle of all the other static my health has created. Not great timing, kinda ticks me off really, but I think I am ready to open my hands and be responsible for what is mine. Closed fists creates blame and denial. Pity parties inhibit growth.
I'm starting to unclench
which means I am almost done with my pity party ;) and I feel His Spirit working within to change my thought patterns. Nuggets of truth here and there. Gifts dropped in my lap from friends. A surprise visit from my Mom. An exciting opportunity to travel, speak and share my story come the New Year. These are all whispers, (some shouts) from God to me, some tangible, others not, but they all remind me that:
~He will never leave me or forsake me
~He knows the plans He has for me
~He has shown up in the past, within my pain
~He weaves stories, turning ashes into beauty
~He always forgives
~He meets my confession with compassion
~I can do anything through Him who gives me strength
~His promises extend to my children, and He cares for them more than I can imagine
~He is good, ALL the time. All the time, He is good.
~He makes ALL things, work together for my good!
~There is meaning and purpose in all that passes through His hands to me.
I will let you all know what Doc thinks after my Thursday appointment.
In the meantime, I am holding to the truths in this song, lately with 2 fingers, but soon to be with both hands, empty..